Global Crossroads Study Abroad Blog

The following is my own personal guide to China that I made for my wife, Ellen, who’s coming here in less than three weeks (!) with less preparation that I had:

The Rules Do Not Apply Here: Everything you’ve ever known about how things should be, what constitutes courtesy, and what common sense is, just forget about all that stuff.  Let it go.  People ride motorcycles on the sidewalk here; toothless old women chew on nuts that make the few remaining teeth they have turn black; prices for anything and everything are negotiable beyond belief.  Ultimately, it’s not that it’s that different, but it’s different enough that it might be easier to work from scratch than to backtrack.  Open your mind reeeeeeeeeal wide and prepare to become just a little bit Asian, if you’re not already.  It doesn’t hurt a bit, won’t last forever, and will make your experience here a lot more fun.

It Smells, Often: Everywhere, almost all the time, it smells.  Usually like fish, feces, or exhaust.  Sometimes like a combination of things.   If you mentioned it every time you smelled something foul, you’d lose your voice pretty quickly.  Grin and bear it for a while, and soon you’ll find that you smell the acres of fresh pineapple, but not the piles of water buffalo dung in between the banana trees.

Water: a) Brush your teeth with anything off the faucet– a teeny bit of foreign intestinal fauna might help you, actually and b) anything boiled will be fine, and you’ll be served hot water or tea on most occasions.  Even in the 90˚ afternoon, eating spicy noodles straight out of a 500˚ wok, people just love their hot tea.  I will never understand. And, c) Water pressure and temperature varies.  China is the largest producer and consumer of solar-powered water heaters in the world; if you take a shower at 4:00 or 5:00 in the afternoon, you’ll at least rule out a cold shower.  Sometimes.  Your greatest memories of China will be when you get a big showerhead with thunderous, steaming water coming from it.

What Is Clean?: When you get here, almost everything is going to seem dirty somehow– chipped laminate or flooring, oddly-stained sidewalks, graffiti, permeating dust, a weird stain on a sheet or the wall– it feels like a Midwestern church basement gone horribly wrong sometimes.

The buildings are largely from the 80s, and you’ll be caught off guard by how run down everything looks on the outside.  That’s the legacy of concrete.

Although I’d recommend watching where you step, I promise you that it’s not as dirty as it seems as when you first arrive, and that I’ll let you know if something really is dirty.  Chinese people are ritual cleaners, but they have a totally different standard of what looks clean compared to the Western world.

Litterbugs!: I do not understand why Chinese people feel so compelled to litter anywhere, anytime.  You are going to see trash, cigarette buts, plastic bags, etc. in the most unusual places; you’ll see people throw mountains of garbage out of their cars onto the road beneath them.  When we eat, you can just throw whatever is not being eaten onto the floor, and it’ll get swept up after you.  I guess with a population this size, it’s not hard to find a cleanup crew?

Honk Honk: I’m trying to figure out how I can transmit a message to every person in this country that says “I look before I walk into the fucking street, alright?”  Car sales climb about 300% every year, so a lot of people are a) getting their first taste of driving in b) their first cars in the history of the oldest country in the world.  It’s like people honk their horns here just to remind themselves that they finally own a car.  They’re really defensive drivers, but the “rules of the road” generally resemble total lawlessness from our perspective.  In reality, it’s not– just make sure you’re paying attention.  Everybody else seems to be.

Smilely Smile: These are the nicest people in the world, though they’re not without their own occasional bad eggs.  They have the impression that all Americans wear a permanent smile, but there’s a reason for that: It’s body language, which the Chinese have a completely different regard for than the Western world, and that most laowai that come here don’t make the first effort to learn the language and thus have to get by on a smile and their good looks, should they have them.

At any rate, if you treat the people you meet like they are your neighbor and not a tourist attraction (it’s harder than it sounds, despite the obvious moral protocol involved), people will love you.  Especially old ladies, and my goodness are they fun.  They are the keepers of this society.   Prepare to talk about yourself, your home, your family, your job, etc.; and to ask questions of a similar caliber when you meet someone new.

Get Ready to Squat: The western-style toilets are few and far between here; sometimes they pop up in the strangest places, but generally speaking, you’ll have to get used to making sure you don’t pee on yourself!

If It Falls, Let It Go: When you eat, if something falls on the table, it’s done for.  If it falls on your finger, don’t lick it off.  You might not be compelled to do these things anyways, but generally if it’s not in a bowl, on a plate, between your kuaizi, or in your mouth, it may as well be on the floor.

Anything That Can Be Accomplished By A Human Being Can Be Done Better By A Human Being With A Cigarette Hanging Out of His Mouth: Cop, butcher, dentist, bubble tea shopkeepers, cooks, bus drivers– they all smoke, and no, they will not stop smoking while they replace that crown that popped off your molar.

They Spit: Especially Chinese men, particularly if they smoke, which they pretty much always do.  Even when the guy behind you at dinner is hacking something up, ignore it.

Sneezing: Little girls don’t poop in America, people don’t sneeze in China.  Don’t look at anyone who sneezes but make sure they haven’t sneezed on you, and don’t verbally acknowledge their condition.  There is no gezundheit in Chinese!

Beware “The Whistle”: There is a miracle of Chinese child-rearing which I intend to employ with my own children.   A Chinese child will be held facing away from their parent, grandmother, or sister, and when the person doing the holding whistles, the kid starts to pee.  On command.  Either in a trash can or just on the ground.  Absolutely fantastic.

Don’t Sit On The Ground: That’s where babies and animals pee.  Ask for a chair or practice squatting.  It’s actually quite comfortable once you develop your technique a little bit.

Cute Dogs: Cute Dogs are the Rats of China.  Little natty quadrupedal Ewoks running everywhere.  God knows what they’ve got, though, so unless someone’s walking it, regard it like the oily, snaggle-toothed, dreadlocked stray that it is.  Generally, they’ll be indifferent to you, so if you really want to hang out with it for a minute, go for it.  If it’s not ignoring you, there’s a small chance it could be rabid.

It’s Chinese Food, Too: All the time, in fact.  You’ll inevitably have a mild exasperation along the lines of Chinese food, again?– probably when eating noodles for breakfast and thinking about how much you miss waffles.  Another thing is that the Chinese don’t waste parts of food or animals, generally speaking; but if you’re not supposed to eat something, someone will probably let you know.  The moral of the story is to get ready for bones in everything.

When we go out for dinner with a group of people, you will be aghast at how much food is left over.

Fish is it!  Things taste like fish surprisingly often.  It’s because a lot of stuff gets fermented with fish paste, and– at least in the south– fermented vegetables are in everything.

MSG is in pretty much everything.  God it’s so good and so bad.  But so good.  You’re not allergic, right?

Hua Jiao is totally addictive. Sichuanese numbing pepper has changed my life.

They’re Small!: Don’t plan on clothes shopping here.  We very well might come across some stuff for you in Beijing, but for the most part, Chinese women are really, really, really small and so clothes are really, really, really small.  Even the tiniest girl on my program was told not to try something on because the shopkeeper thought she would break it.  It’s fun to look though, and if they happen to have something in your size they’ll be quick to offer it up to you.

You’re Pretty: Both men and women are going to tell you you’re pretty all the time.  Because you are.  And because  you don’t look the least bit Asian.Hen piaoliang.  Say nali, nali, a rhetorical statement which means “Where? Where? (Would I be considered pretty)?”  People are big on complementing others and accepting compliments with extreme modesty here.  My favorite response to someone’s compliment is to tell them they’re flat out wrong– I am not, in fact, smart, or good at speaking Chinese, or handsome.  It just feels so funny to have insulting someone’s ability to evaluate something be a normal part of conversation.  No.  Nope.  No.  You’re wrong.  I am not.  Nope. It is not.  No.

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